Jackass O' Lantern...

Since it's Halloween, I will share my special Halloween encounter with the Jackass O' Lantern. Perhaps you have been lucky enough never to encounter Jackass O'Lantern- sadly, he showed up to my daughter's and her friend's Halloween party this Saturday.

A little background- In the townhouses where we live, we can rent out a club house party space. Allie's friend H. wanted to throw a Halloween party, H. and her Mom, and her cousin would take care of the planning and decor- I would rent the clubhouse and supply cupcakes. H's mom and her cousin also agreed to be the on-site adults for the party. Cool with me. I helped get them settled, and since I didn't want to hurt Allie's cool factor by hanging around the party, complete with strobe lights, music, scary decorations, etc. There were probably 15 kids there. H and her Mom are very nice- H has stayed at our place and Allie has stayed there. H's Mom and adult cousin stayed and supervised. The rule was that the club house had to be cleaned up and locked at 10. I headed up at 9:45 to help with the cleaning and child herding. There were other Moms picking up kids, and kids cleaning up. H's Mom was cleaning. I came back and got our vacuum to clean.

Oddly, there was a fat guy with a buzz cut, a woman staring blankly at the wall and two slack mouth teens sitting on the couches. I assumed they were party guests and said - "We need to pick up and start clearing out..." staring pointedly at the pile of bags, food, and clothing jumbled before them on the table. As other Moms picked up kids and debris around me, they simply ignored my presence. Weird. I helped pile up some trash and herded most of the remaining people out. But, still they sat, liked stunned cattle, having made no move to pick up their things or to even roust themselves from the sofas.

Sensing clearly, that these were not people who responded to hints or even pointed verbalizations and had very limited situational awareness (i.e. the cleaned room and the disappearance of the other party guests) It was 9:57- I stood between the two couches and looked at their pile of crap, undisturbed on the table and said "Hey, its time to get going, we need to close this up." They stared at me as if I had recited the Gettysburg address in Greek. One teen boy stood up glared at me and said "God, lady..." Seeing that at least one of them was making a nascent effort at movement, I turned around to haul out a bag of trash. As I had my back turned to pick up the trash bag, fat-guy-with-the-buzz-cut boomed out in a loud voice "She's just fucking rude! I guess we need to get going!"

I guess I must have been staring in amazement or something, because he, suddenly finding the energy to move practically sprang off the couch charged over at me and screamed in my face "Oh yeah! I said it!" and charged out the door. In addition to being large, he was also tall- I believe he was trying a little physical intimidation move on me.

I asked H's Mom- who in the hell is that person- and what a jerk and she said, "He's my ex-husband, you can see why I divorced him."

He and his entourage who skeddadled off behind him still left a lot of crap piled on the table. Livid with rage, I took the stuff out and dumped on the sidewalk. He was sitting in his car and sent one of the sullen teens out to grab it. Sullen teen passed me and mumbled "bitch"---I walked over to his car, and said "Excuse me, I live here, I'm the one who rented the clubhouse for the party, and you clearly weren't aware that we needed to be out by ten. You have behaved quite rudely, and I believe you owe me an apology..."

He was clearly stunned that his little intimidation move didn't work on me and I was calling him out in front of his dead-eyed, unresponsive wife and his listless, disrespectful teenagers. His face grew puffy and red.

He quickly recovered and said, "You are rude, I don't owe no rude person an apology, if you're waiting for one, you're not getting it."

I just stood there and said, "Wow, you need to leave now." I turned back to the clubhouse and he sat in his car...the Great Halloween Jackass O' Latern...and his jackass ways. He sat there for awhile. I went to the deck of the clubhouse - because there is some part of me that still isn't fully evolved into the peace loving, turn the other cheek kind of lady I want to be...I had to restrain the part that wanted pick up a huge tree branch off the clubhouse deck and smash in his windshield, causing him to jump out and then the joy would be mine to use the big tree limb then to embed some tree bark into his gums with one big cracking smack across his face.

I sat on the clubhouse deck and did some deep breathing and tried to mentally journey to a happy place where my violent urge to beat a dude senseless with a tree branch would disappate.

I opened my eyes- thankfully, the Halloween Jackass O' Lantern was leaving, winding his way down the road in his gold Crown Victoria...

So, there you have it kids, watch out for the Great Halloween Jackass O' Lantern- he is a big fat dude with a buzz cut- he drives a Crown Victoria- his minions are a couple of slacker teens and a dead eyed woman who looks to have taken many tranquilizers. Guard yourselves and your Halloween parties...there is no telling where he might show up and act like the jackass of all time.