The REAL deal

Yes, I'm adopted. 99.8% I never think about it, and I don't feel bad or weird about it. But there is that .02% of the time when I do. Like this morning, I usually scroll the headlines to get an idea of the news, like how Bush might be royally screwing us in a new and exciting way.

I skimmed past one Washington Post headline that read "Mother wants to 'unadopt' child" - She was a foster mother who didn't know the extent of her "son's" mental issues, and now wants to 'unadopt' him. Upon reading the story, there are a lot of bad circumstances all the way around. Perhaps she should have figured this out before she adopted him? I'm sure his already bad life will now get worse. This is just sad.

Anyway, its the occasional story like this that makes me ponder the whole adoption thing. My parents adopted me as a three day old infant, and I'm of the same ethnic background as my parents- pasty white folks. To look at me next to my parents you would never guess that I share no genetic material with them, except they are tall and I am not. Some people have told me that I have my father's eyes. Yes, we both have blue eyes, like a gazillion other people. Maybe because I didn't look different, it was easier than other adopted kids. Plus, to be honest I never felt adopted. It's odd really, every once in awhile it crosses my mind and internally I go "whoa, yea, that's weird."

My parents handled it correctly- they told me when I was about 4. They were honest about it, but never made a big deal about it. In their minds and in my mind, I was their daughter. I've met other adoptees whose parents kept it a secret and then it would spill out in some awful, emotionally traumatizing way. My Grandma was convinced that my adoption was God's will and divine intervention- and HE, the big guy, personally planned for me to be her granddaughter, so I could never feel bad or weird about it, after all, I wouldn't want to question God's divine plan. Plus, I was treated like everyone else. Sometimes it felt like a cool secret.

The only time I feel uncomfortable about it is the fact that I find so many people really incredibly rude and insensitive about it. The question I hate the most is: "Don't you want to meet your REAL parents?" To which I reply, "I know my REAL parents. They raised me, they are great people, I've known them all of my life."

I find this question extremely insulting to my parents. They raised me, loved me, put my goopey finger paintings on the refridgerator, changed my diapers, hugged me when I cried, came to my concerts, basketball games, and graduation. Were they perfect? No, but I don't believe there are any perfect parents. They are REAL parents.

Also, the media. When President Reagan died they listed his three biological kids, and then they said "and his adopted son, Michael Reagan"- I think that's rude. When you adopt kids, they are your kids- they aren't seperated in any category. I feel fairly certain my Dad wouldn't want me listed as his "adopted" daughter (He has two biological daughters- my sisters, yes, they are my REAL sisters)

Or, occasionally, on sitcoms the punchline would be "you're really adopted" to some character who seems bumbling or somehow not fitting in. And, that's the laugh line. I guess I fail to see the humor in that.

My husband says I'm reading a little too much into questions like "meeting your REAL parents" or sitcom lines, or adoptees being singled out of their families. He says people don't mean to offend. I'm sure they don't, but I'm sure if they thought about it a little more or put themselves into an adopted person's shoes, they probably would be a little more sensitive about it. I've met some people who have asked "Do you want to meet your biological parents?" which is a perfectly fine, normal question to me.

Here's the answer: Yes, I've been curious about them, but I haven't put any effort into tracking them down. My curiousity actually increased after I had my daughter, realizing what a big deal pregnancy is-- I'm curious to know what they look like, and hey, to be perfectly honest, what other crappy health situation I can expect (I already have two genetic conditions that affect my health, but only mildly) and do they have my nose and now Allie's nose? Also, just to make sure they are okay and fine with their decision. I hope they aren't upset, sad or fearful that they didn't do the right thing. I haven't contacted them, because I don't feel the need to- most of the time I'm only vaguely aware I am adopted, plus my family is big and complicated enough- I don't need more people. Plus, I don't want to intrude on their life, and I don't want them to intrude on mine.

My daughter is the only person I know that I share genetic material with- fortunately, so no one will ask me "Don't you want to meet your REAL daughter?"