Valentine's Day

I'm not a huge Valentine's Day fan. It just seems so sappy and forced. I do participate by giving my husband and daughter chocolate, because I think, "Hey, this is a good excuse to introduce mass amounts of chocolate in to my home, guilt free!"

Halloween serves a similar purpose- we hardly ever get trick or treaters- 5 or 6 tops, but "just in case" I need to buy a bag of Reese's peanut butter cups of course.

I do remember my most unhappy, sad, pathetic Valentine's Day. It was Valentine's Day 1994. I was about 8 weeks pregnant and alone. You see, the happiest thing that ever happened to me-my daughter- was an unplanned (there is a lesson there) I spent the second week of January thinking, "Geez, will this stomach bug ever go away" and "Weird, I haven't had my period"- So, realizing though I was "single" I had that "We're potentially reconciling or this is goodbye sex" with the guy I was seeing in Seattle. I had moved from Seattle back to Portland to go to graduate school. By mid- January I realized it was "this is goodbye sex" a realization that dawned on me when I was stopping off at the drug store to buy three packs (two tests per pack) of home pregnancy tests. Alone in the bathroom peeing on those little cardboard sticks on all six of the tests, I lined them up on the counter- all positive. I decided to go to the student health center. A week before my 26th birthday, I sat expectantly waiting for the nurse. Thinking, "Na...I can't be pregnant. Can't be."

A very sweet nurse smiled and said "You're pregnancy test is positive" and was quite kind to me as I sat there catatonically looking at the pre-natal care brochures and referrals. I believe I remember her taking my arm and walking me to the door- probably because I couldn't move under my own power.

The next thing to do was to inform the "other party"- he basically said, "Wow- you're on your own, good luck with that." Yes, it was that supportive, caring and empathetic. Then I told my family, soaking in their basically shell shocked faces. Then the next few weeks the morning sickness intensified. I would drive to school and pull over on the expressway and puke over the side of the railing in the rain. I knew where every bathroom was on campus. I did clear the ladies bathroom at the Smith Center one time, because I found the smells of food at the cafeteria so overwhelming I had to run to the bathroom and puke very loudly. I heard people shuffling and scurrying out of there.

As you can imagine by the time Valentine's Day rolls around I'm pretty cynical. I saw the little stuffed bears with hearts at the student store and wanted to rip out their stuffing. I wasn't in a "good frame of mind"- I saw happy people and hated them. Could they just bugger off and be happy some where else these damned simpletons!

Someone gave me those chalky little valentines heart candies with the phrases on them "be mine" and "sweetheart"- I remember eating them and staring at the ceiling on Valentine's evening. I remember conciously thinking "this is a low point."

So, that's my unhappiest Valentine's Day story. My other Valentine's days have been a blur of neutral or kind of fun. It is weird how holidays can put a different kind of perspective on your life, and how Valentine's day can be so awful when you've been "unlucky in love."