Impending doom

I'm taking a breather from the political posts, but before I do, let me say- It was surprising to see Hills and Barack get very snappy with each other at the most recent debate- guess their won't be a Clinton/Obama or Obama/Clinton ticket in the future. And- Barack needs to win SC on Saturday or its over for him. I feel compelled to comment on Hillary's attire just to keep up my status on the "Hillary Clinton Fashion Watch List" this time I will say that I liked the orange scarf-y thing she wore at the debate. Not many people can get away with wearing orange, but it looked quite nice on her and her snazzy lipstick/lip gloss. Her hubby Bill has been sporting the orange tie as well- maybe its a thing they are doing like when you see retired couples wearing matching windbreakers- very matchy-matchy in more of an upscale way.

I have to say I'm getting kind of depressed about what I call "impending doom"or turning 40 on Saturday. So, how the hell did this happen?

The logical answer is that I was born in 1968 and now 40 years have elapsed. That's not really satisfactory. I kind of feel like that Talking Heads song where the lyrics say "How did I get here? Where does this highway lead to?"

When I look back its all a massive blur of childhood, a completely crappy adolescence, a few fun high school years, fun, revealing, emotionally distressing college years, suprise pregnancy, single motherhood, suprise marriage, and now just day to day living.

I never thought my life would turn out the way it did. Mainly, because I didn't have really a concrete plan of how my life should turn out. I didn't have a burning career passion- I waivered between being a crusading journalist and history teacher. I did as a high school student and at the beginning of college fancy myself becoming a sleuthing investigative reporter a la Woodword and Bernstein. Two things that stood out for me as a youngster in the 70s were all the Nancy Drew books and Watergate. When I was very young I thought about being and archeologist digging up Egyptian treasures, while on the side solving crimes, did I mention I was also a huge "Scoobie Doo" fan in the 70s as well? So really my youthful version of my adult self would be tooling around in a van called the "Mystery Machine" solving crimes, uncovering ancient Egyptian treasures and writing blockbuster articles about political wrongdoing for the "Washington Post."

Having this unrealistic road map for my future probably led to my subsequent aimlessness in getting established in a career until my late 20s/early 30s. Now I work in non-profit PR. I have had my writing published, and that's exciting, although none of it was about political wrong doings, nor do I drive a purple van called the "Mystery Machine." I haven't solved any crimes although I did uncover a consumer scam that got on the news.

The other thing I didn't think about while creating a Scoobie Doo-Nancy Drew-Bob Woodward amalgam of my future life was becoming a mom. I think I always pictured myself having kids but in a vague way. It wasn't a major goal to be a mom, just something I thought would happen and it would slow down my crazy crime solving/archeologist/journalist lifestyle. I had a surprise pregnancy and my "partner" hit the road and said "good luck with that." Though it was hard, Allie was the best thing that ever happened to me. EVER. EVER. The mom thing became much more consuming than I ever imagined. I really love being a mom more than anything else.

And the whole marriage thing. I've always been catastrophically bad at choosing romantic partners. Its an area where I tend to make the worst, stupid, emotionally damaging, horrible choices. Weirdly, I met someone in my early thirties who was SANE, funny, smart, cute, had a college degree, was not a right wing wacko, and we ended up getting married. That freaks me out, because if there is one thing I super bad at- its romantic relationships. So, I consider that I married someone very cool very surprising.

Yea, its true, I suck at intimate relationships. I very rarely allow anyone to get close to me and I don't tend to get close to other people. I'm closed off emotionally. I think that's probably bad.

Anyway, I really had no clue that this whole turning 40 thing would sneak up on me. I have no plan for the second half of my life. I no longer want to be Nancy Drew, and Scoobie Doo started to really suck when they introduced Scrappy Doo, and I thought the live action movie of Scoobie Doo was really dumb. Bob Woodward really lost my respect when he wrote that fawning book about Bush a few years ago. I no longer have much of an interest in archeology.

So, what do I do now?