38

Today, I'm 38. I don't know if I feel like laughing or crying. I think I've spent too much time in the last few days contemplating my squishy stomach, and the most stubborn cellulite on the planet on my upper thighs to be too happy with my physical self. As for the rest of me I feel kinda blahhh.....blahh.....So, what does that mean? What does that portend for my "late thirties" (now that phrase really makes me feel like crying!) Who knows.

Anyway, since I'm feeling non-plussed about this birthday, I will now recall the most awesome birthday I ever had. Turning 12.

I had to pretty much beg my mom to have a sleepover birthday- it was not a happy time, my parents divorce was pretty new, so it all felt sort of unsettled. Anyway, not only did mom allow the birthday party, but as usual she came through like a champ in the treats department. We had pizza, bags of Doritos, bags of Cheetos, 7-Up, Coke, Pepsi, and of course cake. My mom I think always wants to have enough- so when planning to feed say six 12 year old girls, she kind of was ready to feed the US Army. With this I was the envy of my friends- their eyes were quite large at the massive amount of junk that was ours to take down to the basement family room.

Of the many triumphs of the awesome 12th birthday was the guest list. Just to give you some background, I was the dorky, shy, buck-toothed, unattractive, bookish girl. I didn't have many friends, and I was the target of some teasing, but by sixth grade this had mercifully tapered off. Being a Girl Scout kind of earned me some friends from my troop, which had been together through most of grade school- my other saving grace was my best friend Sandi. My mom hated her, because truly she was bossy and more than just a little spoiled by her parents. However, she had earned my undying loyalty in first grade when I was the new girl and the target of the school bully, Heidi (who eventually got her comeuppance when I smacked her in the face with the Holly Hobby lunchpail) but before then- Heidi was a cruel bully- she told other kids not to play with me and if she could find me at recess she pelted me with pinecones. One day after a sustained pinecone assault I was on the swings crying. Sandi came up to me and said "You're the new girl." and I answered yes, wondering if she was one of Heidi's friends and I was in for something more, but she said "Don't cry, you can come with us" so her and a couple friends played with me. She encouraged me to join her Brownie troop- she was my after-school friend. I was so shy I was desperately grateful that she dragged me along to do things with other kids.

Anyway by the time sixth grade rolls around the girls get brutal, there are cliques, puberty sets in. Also in sixth grade there was the most popular girl- Kim S. Kim was truly the rock star of the school. She was very beautiful and looked like Brooke Sheilds, and she was graceful, she was on the basketball team with me and she never looked awkward. She had all the cool clothes, the velour shirts, wide leg jeans, and several pairs of Nike tennis shoes. She had a big blue comb in her back pocket to maintain her perfectly feathered hair. Anyway, boys liked her and everyone talked about her.

I ended up sitting next to her in assigned seating- I supposed she would never talk to me because I wasn't part of her crowd. But, we did have basketball together. Nonetheless I was stunned when Kim passed me a funny note- as it turned out she was nice. Then she said "Hi" to me around her crowd- my status was instantly elevated, such was power of the beautiful Kim S. I don't know if Kim understood that she was a grade school celebrity for as down to earth as she was. I remember telling her I liked how she wrote her "S" she showed me how to write a sort of figure 8 kind of S, which is still part of my signature today.

Anyway, Sandi and I strategized the guest list- most of my Girl Scout group was coming and a few B-Ball friends. I asked Sandi if I should invite Kim S. Her take on it was no, she'd never come because none of my friends were in her "crowd." Sandi thought she would think I was a weirdo for inviting her. But I did it anyway- and she graciously accepted. My friends were abuzz- the rock star Kim S. is hanging out with our crowd.

Anyway, Kim and my other friends came to the party. Lori who was the most outgoing brought a ouiwge (sp?) board and her Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall" album. After gorging ourselves on junk food we danced for awhile to the album- of course Kim was the best dancer. We did each others hair (Farrah Fawcett style feathering) we freaked ourselves out using the ouiwge board and playing "Light as a Feather." We gabbed and laughed well into the morning hours.

Everyone said it was the best party ever. Even the venerable Kim S. talked about how awesome it was at school the next Monday.

I moved away and lost track of all those girls, but that party stands out in my mind as a really great time in a not-so-great year.

Its really fun to see my daughter have slumber parties and remember how really fun they were and how it all kind of ends in Jr. high and High School when you are just too cool to let loose and be goofy like that again.

"Sensible" shoes and sick day project

Allie is feeling much better today, so we worked on a little sick day project to benefit our hamster, Milo. Milo was getting a little bored with his hamster globe, so aided by a cardboard water flat, two shoe boxes, a toilet paper tube and a mile and half of packing tape-- Behold the "Milo Maze 2006"


Milo seemed to enjoy his maze quite a bit, especially adjoining "open area" after he made is way through the toilet paper tube. You can see him scurrying along to the right side of the maze.

Now to a completely different topic, you may recall my "Mary Tyler Moore coat" http://girlnamedmoe.blogspot.com/2005/09/mary-tyler-moore-coatcontinued.html click the link to read all about it, but to re-cap, I found a really awesome and stylish coat that my husband totally mocked. So, the mockery has continued but now he's moved on to shoes. At a post Christmas sale I found the most adorable shoes. It was all about the project "improve me" that I have been working on for quite sometime. So, I'm all excited and I show the shoes to my husband. He says:

"Ummm, yea, those shoes are......ummm.....sensible."

"What!?!!"

"They're sensible. You will get a lot of wear out of them."

My husband is a little younger than me, so maybe he doesn't know that "women in senisble shoes" is code for lesbian- which he knows I am not. (not that there's anything wrong with that) But still, he planted that seed of insecurity that these shoes are really dyke-like and other women in sensible shoes might be eyeing me wondering if I could be there next date for the "Womyn's Poetry Slam" -

So, I leave it to you dear readers....look at the shoes- are they not cute, stylish, fun?

When you hurl at school you're banned

It was Tuesday morning and I was all gung-ho about getting back into work with all kinds of plans, meetings, etc. I was even wearing non-boring clothes. Tuesday morning arrived early as I got up early to do yoga. Allie joined in.

She headed off to school and I to work. I had just finished my morning coffee when she called.

"Mom, my stomach feels kinda sick"

Since the non-specific stomach ache is Allie's generally weasely fake illness, I was automatically suspicous. So, I said

"Do you have a temperature? Did you throw up?"

"No"

"Well, why don't you hang out until lunch, and if you still feel icky, call me and I will come get you."

"Okay"

I figured I'd be a little tough since only two hours earlier she was laughing at me as we contorted in to various yoga poses. About a half hour later, B. called me from the office. B. is the "office lady" I'm sure you all remember the office lady from your elementary school. I try to like B. but what makes it hard for me to like her is that she calls me "Mom"- I'm not B.'s mom by the way, in fact she's older than me.

This is what B. says to me over the phone: "Is this Allie's mother? Well, hi mom- I have to say our girl made an effort to stay at school, but unfortunately she's thrown up in the girls bathroom. You will need to come get her. She really made an effort mom, but when our kids are sick, they are not to be at school, so you need to pick her up."

So, yes, of course, if she's really sick I wouldn't just leave her at school. So, I pick her up. B. sees me enter the office as Allie, looking green comes out of the nurses room. B. manages a tight smile. I sense she thinks I view the school as my babysitting out so I can continue to be a career woman who doesn't have her priorities straight. Some part of me wants to plead my case that I am indeed a good mother! But, I decide against it. B. gives me a "grown ups hall pass" so I can accompany Allie to her classroom to get her coat. On the way down to the classroom Allie informs me her puke was pink. We conclude it was all the Oceanspray Cran-Raspberry juice she had at breakfast.

When I return my hall pass B. informs me that Allie is "banned" from school for 24 hrs. for throwing up, so the soonest she can return is Thursday morning. Yes, it's in the school handbook, although I don't think they use the word "banned"- I guess B. just wanted to make sure I didn't pass off my sick child to the school system to take care of, cruel hearted woman that I am.

By Wednesday morning, Allie is doing much better. She's kept food down successfully and so by mid morning we go to my workplace so I can do at least a little catch-up. Allie informs my co-workers: "I hurled at school. I feel fine now, but I'm banned for 24 hours."

As it turns out Allie's recovery was short lived. She was throwing up and having severe diarrhea at about 5:00 am this morning, the poor little munchkin. I hate it when she's sick.

Anyway, this earned her a trip to see Dr. B. (no relation to office B.) Dr. B. is really great and calls me by my name. Dr. B. says Allie has Rotavirus, an infection that apparently is common among infants and children that causes vomiting and severe diarrhea.

Allie's sleeping and I've just finished disinfecting our entire house. Spraying Lysol, scrubbing the toilet and cleaning up the carpets.

I think Allie's ban will continue tomorrow.

I just can't wait to get into the office Monday....

When cliches come to life

Yesterday, my daughter and I were headed to the video store to rent some movies. I was in the right turn lane, and a sheriff's patrol car was behind me. He flashed his lights, so I dutifully turned the corner and pulled off into the shoulder. Thankfully, he didn't want to stop me, but then began weaving his way through traffic to a busy intersection. He flashed his light to cross the intersection to go against the lights.

Was he heroically headed to a crime scene, or to stop a dangerous driver? No. Well, then why would he stop Sunday afternoon traffic on a busy thoroughfare, causing drivers to pull into the shoulder and make way?

Unbelievable, yet, true: To go to the FRICKIN' DOUGHNUT SHOP! I kid you not! When Allie and I made it through the intersection just in time to see this public servant pull into the "Dippin Donut" store!!

Hey, I know cops are generally hardworking and underpaid, and they get breaks and maybe they want some doughnuts- but really do you need to use the lights and save the extra three minutes?

I have been to the "Dippin Donuts" once myself, and at night it is the happenin' hangout for the over 70 crowd. My sister and I went there once about 10 pm or so to get some coffee and some doughnuts of course, and there they were- I say about a half dozen people with median age of about 78. They had PBS on, kickin' it to the "Jim Lerher News Hour"- chatting and enjoying coffee and their pastries and getting up to date on the latest news. One spry old guy in a baseball cap even heckled an on-screen Hillary Clinton. He shook his fist at the screen and grumbled "I hate that woman!"

The oldster crowd eyed my sister and suspiciously, as if they didn't want unruly youngsters invading their hang-out, ruining their PBS watching good time.

On second thought, should I give the cop the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps a rival gang of oldsters invaded the joint and tried to switch the station to Fox News.

YAY!

Friday we found out my husband got a new job!! It is beyond great news...he worked for a really bad company, doing sales- I think he is pretty good a sales, but he didn't like it, plus he worked for a complete jackass. I will call him "Biff"- because he had another nauseating '80s preppy sounding name, such as Biff (names are changed to protect the guilty). Anyway, Biff got his job because his Dad owns they company, (sound like a certain President we know?) and of course Biff is one of those people who were born on third base, but thinks he hit a triple in life. He was a big Bush supporter because "people need to quit sponging of the system, looking for handouts"- apparently though its okay to get a family hand-out and sponge off Dad. If you know my husband, the twin evils in his world are President Bush and the New York Yankees. In 2004, when the Red Sox won the series, he was elated and said, "If Kerry wins the election, my happiness will be complete." Sadly, we know how that turned out.

Anyway, Biff was my husband's boss and the "Sales Manager"- apparently at this company the sales manager's job was to look at porn, instant message his friends, and scream obscenities at his wife over the phone. In addition the job paid crappy, and the company was going downhill because Biff was in charge. In December, they pulled health benefits from all their employees.

Needless to say, this was a depressing and a soul-sapping job for my husband. One time my husband had to go to Atlanta for a sales meeting with Biff. In Biff's expensive car on the way to the airport he got into a fight with his wife over the cellphone and called her an " f***ing b****" and on the airplane looked at porn and tried to show it to my husband on the company laptop. This gives you an idea of Biff, a "family values" Republican in action. Biff is a bit up shit creek, my husband is the only sales person on staff now- after they cut benefits, people jumped ship pretty quick.

In other jackass news- I saw my ex-brother-in-law, very briefly and I didn't have to speak to him THANK THE LORD. Sadly, though he wasn't wearing his MC Hammer pants- a trend he is single handedly trying to revive. He brought a bogus legal action against my sister about their kids. Anyway, things were quickly decided in my sister's favor, and Mr. MC Hammer Pants has to live up to his financial obligations and has to pay a crapload of legal bills.

Could 2006 be the year when the jackasses of the world get their comeuppance? Let's hope so.

What the world needs now is to chill out

My life as a lady of leisure is over. I had to go back to work, back to the salt mine...I shouldn't say "salt mine" because I actually work at nice place with some very good people. But, it was a little daunting to see 65 messages come in over the e-mail and the many little projects all rearing their heads for attention.

On my way to work Wednesday I encountered a road rage incident where one car changed lanes and nearly hit another. The car that was nearly hit changed lanes and started swerving threateningly into the other car driving it into the shoulder. I, of course, having had only recently a run-in with an idiot driver, protectively slowed WAY down from this ugly scene. I was almost reaching for my cell phone, but then the other car turned right onto a side street.

That felt extreme. Why couldn't the guy just been content to swear, drop a few F-bombs and just get on with life! He could have caused major accident. People need to chill out.

Then back to work in Old Town. In my previous posts I mentioned that I work across a street from a hotel that houses people recently released from prison, so sometimes the Portland Police make a visit. So I was strolling, coffee in hand to my office. I noticed a patrol car parked in the middle of the street and two officers subduing an outraged cluster of people. Some of the Old Town regular street people looked on shouting taunts. This is not such an unusual scene. I took a big sip of coffee, unlocked the door to our office. One thought ran through my mind: People need to chill out.